Had another electrolysis appointment today. So exhausting. Makes me feel like im making some sort of progress tho. I've also found that making these posts is somewhat beneficial to mental health. At least i have somewhere to vent a little bit. I do feel like im getting "better" sort of i guess. I still feel a bit trapped. Like i cant really be creative here. im manifesting a true home for my creative endeavors. somewhere with big windows and nice view. somewhere where i can take a deep breath, make tea, and get back to work. where focusing on a craft doesnt feel futile. ill figure it out. i know i will. i have to. i refuse to be sucked into the corporate world. i think id rather slit my wrists in the tub than try and pretend i give a shit about the corporate world. i need to get to work for myself, soon and fast. its time to buckle the fuck down and get my shit together. school starts a week from monday.
So this is the new year.....I'm feeling very...meh. The more days that go by sober, the more i wonder if any of it is actually worth it. Like yeah im saving money, i guess, but really i just have more money to spend. And i dont feel that much better. Maybe less sleepy but not any more motivated to do anything really. I have books to read, i have a game to make, music to make, art to make...and I just would rather distract myself. To be fair on myself, it is "the holiday season" but I dont feel like thats a real excuse. My laundry is still not done/put away. I keep forgetting or not wanting to take care of myself. I need to be earning more money and I still have zero desire to work. Like I wish i could know that everything is going to be okay, and that facing sobriety is worth it, and that my motivation will come back soon. I'm incredibly impatiant with myself and the process. I have doctors appointments I need to make and I just am refusing to do any of it. Its driving me insane...*deep breath* I just feel old, but i dont feel like an adult. I feel like a scared lost child hoping someone will hold my hand through this dark scary world. I dont feel alone, but I dont feel like anyone can actually help me. Therapy is going okay but again Im just worried that the effort i put in will not pay off. Anyways, I ordered a TrimUI brick with some christmas money so i can play my retro handheld games so at least I have something to look forward to. Probably wont be here for another week so ive got shipping anxiety like crazy. Meanwhile the guy i want to talk to is continuing to be aloof, its a long story. I've never felt this way about a guy before. Its like i get this pit in my stomach when i think about being held by him. I just wish he would see what we could have. Its so stupid. I'm stupid. I dont have time for a boyfriend, but i feel like it would give me so muhc pep in my step. I know i need to be able to generate my motivation myself, but just HOW. WHERE IS IT? WHY DO I CARE? WHATS THE POINT? I cant even feel sewercidal because just *eyeroll*. like i dont even care that much about doing myself in either. Seems pointless. Lifes pointless, deaths pointless. I just want to feel like I have something to work toward, no matter how fleeting. But maybe thats the answer. Still hard for me to face it, choose a thing, and say "yes that works for me" and work on something that isnt a distraction. I think having a 2d handheld gaming system will help me. I havent had anything like that since I was a kid and thats when I felt the most alive. Im really hoping it spurs some life in me and I can move into a fun and cool new phase of my life.
I had a great weekend with my girl AVN. We went out for martinis, got brunch in the morning, hung out in my room and watched movies while i fixed my silly little laptop situation, and then we got ramen . I did a fresh install of Arch Linux with Hyprland on my SurfaceBook2 which proved to be a bit more of a chore than expected. I start school in another 2 weeks, at which point I will be 1 month clean from THC. I have never felt more confident in my ability to keep up myself from using, but I must admit I do have brief moments of inner hostility towards my living situation. I literally do not understand why the people i live with can not do ANYTHING softly or quietly. I have decided that no matter what the future holds for me, and absolute must for my next living situation is QUIET. PEACE AND QUIET AT ALL PARTS OF THE DAY. I am a very simple woman. I like tea. I like to breath fresh air. I like my silly little music and my silly little projects... I need a living situation that is going to cater to that atmosphere. There are a lot of things I need to do to get to my dream situation but i have no doubt that I will accomplish those things. I may need to trim down my list of hobbies unfortunately. I just have too much on my plate. I would like to be good at all the fun things, and I surely am a quick learner, but there is only so much time in the day. I need to pick one thing to do and do it right if i am to succeed. I really would like to survive on my crafts and projects alone. If i must get a job, let it be something I truly enjoy or can believe in. I need to make an eye doctor appointment. I feel so overwhelmed with things but I just have to put one foot in front of the other and just...get over it i guess. I'm really hoping that after a month or two of sobriety that I have more confidence in doing things that make me uncomfortable, or that they just wont feel as uncomfortable and just feel more doable. my anxiety just takes over and i avoid the things that i really don't wanna do like the plague when i know that if i just put forward my best effort, things will fall into place.
This is the first entry in this blog. I have started to write it 3 times now because weird formatting stuff in the CSS is happening that I dont know how to undo. Why animation happening when I got rid of animation? The last attempt I accidently shutdown my laptop without saving the post. Anyways, I've been clean from THC for a week and a half now. Overall I feel pretty good, only with brief moments of anxiety or hostility. So long as I stay preoccupied, I should feel better. My mind feels clearer and I dont feel as tired all the time so thats good. I've been able to persue my goals with a bit more vigor and I do feel myself getting more creative. I only hope that all of this isn't in vein. I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I just hope that at some point this shit will lead to something. I was able to secure the domain for pxnarose.com so that's pretty cool. Just need to iron out the kinks in the merch checkout and publish more art and music to fill out the site more. Anyways, I think that's all I've got for now.